FoLLoW Ur DreAmZz

think i shd end my blog here..cos i noe for every blog i post i’l flood everyone’s email again..maybe i’ll jus post up my photos here only..and oso becos there isn’t enuff space here too..so..yup..shd be using my blogspot blog..i’ll post my address somewhere later ba..hee..

wanted a change of a blog to start everything new and fresh again..and to really update about myself..yup..without flooding other’s email..hee..

and yup..all the best..maybe once in a blue moon will post here or sth ba..see how..now i think i got 3 blogs..this one the most frequent one i use..but den..really gotta see how ba..hee..

hee…since last blog..wish everyone all the best in wadeva u all are doing..hope u’ll be blessed with happiness and luck in ur life..jiayou!

today..quite overwhelming for me when i reach school..help to sing the national day songs..we will get there..in chinese version..when i was singing this song..i can stil remember during sec 3..when we perform at bishan..on the stage..singing this song..i was the one of the 4 lead singers..choir..everything..wow..the sound system is abit nt very good..only the front ppl can hear me sing..plus the mike abit spoilt..principal was dere..every1 was dere..when i sang finish..dey clap..and the teachers with smiles too..i dono it’s a good or bad thing..but at least i enjoyed singing..it’s definitely a place for me..i don have any stage fright or anything when it comes to singing..and naturally..i smile when i sing..the feeling was..good..

and after singing..the teachers are trying to match make me and one of the teachers dere..diaoz..ask me if i’m attached or not..den wana give my hp no to him..diaoz..ha..maybe i got that unattached look ba..

after that..went for lessons..today..i try to tell myself to relax..i did..after the singing i felt so relax..i shout lesser..my lessons are slower..i have time to go round and check the pupils progress of work..i felt more relax..the students felt more relax too..i dono when do i become so concious of how ppl think of me..i think i shd jus try to be myself..the bubbly cheerful me..den a stern and stress me..which is not me at all..if not end up they’re stress..and i’m rushing..their results suffer..can see from their work..i shd jus slow down..and relax..

heard frm ppl saying…when u work..u jus finding a job for 3 meals..don need to be so pia over it..unless u really like the job..i like..i really like..and the "other things" that comes along with it too..i jus have to be myself..i don need to show ppl that i’m stern and let them be afraid of me..maybe i’m jus scared i’ll be bullied..tt’s y i’m trying to act like very stern to protect myself ba..

went to dhoby gauht by myself..these days i’ve been walking alone more and more..and i tend to enjoy it more and get more used to it..cos i noe once i reach home..there’ll be tons of things for me to do..mark books..blah blah..plus somemore..i feel very empty in the house…sis watching tv..dad and his 4d..and mum sleeping very early..i feel neglected..it’s been so long since our family went out for meals..or play mahjong..laugh with one another..everyone is busy doing their things..and bogged down by work too..cos of the working time..i don even have time to meet up with frenz and chat..and somemore i don have many frenz to talk to oso..and most of them are teachers who are oso busy with their stuffs..

actually lotsa ppl asking bout how i am doing rite now..fine or not..i’m stil quite ok..jus busy and stress and tired ba..and some don dare to touch on certain topics..and myself too..cos i oso dono how to say..

althou oredi bought the tix for fir..i suddenly don feel like going anymore..i jus need to fill up myself with lotsa things to chase off that emptiness inside me..mayb w/o bf will have that kind of emptiness ba..last time still have studies with me..free den mug..free den mug..can keep myself occupied..now..sometimes jus too sian of marking tt i really don wana mark anymore..i jus wana slack..if i keep marking i see their results i’ll be too stress up again..

sigh..ppl always tok bout going overseas for holidays..escape from the country..even for these national day..y can’t i jus drop everything and leave the country too..really need to breathe some fresh air..it’s really been some time since i can relax myself..everytime even when go out oso need to see timing..rush here and dere..i wan a slow pace of life..i wana enjoy the time i spent..rather than a hurried one..end up getting so stress..

feeling empty..depressed..wana cry again..how come my depression like cannot be cured de..i thot after taking part so many things to keep myself occupied den i won have the time to feel sad..but end up..i gave up lotsa things..no time for alot of things..maybe i don even have time to go and take part in my own activities that’s y..or i’m not busy enuff..tink i shd jus heck care of other ppl’s schedule..jus plan my own schedule..and jus move along with it..

hmm..jus set aside a day for me to go out..to go gym..to go guitar..elders leave it to weekend..den one day temple..one day marking..one day stay at home..ok..7 days full..mon marking..tue go out..wed go guitar..thu rest at home..fri go gym..sat go elders.sun go temple..a new timetable for me..ok..set..tmr go out..where shd i go..today i oso tinking..which mrt stop shd i alight..end up i alight at dhoby gauht..maybe tmr can go suntec..or bugis..or somemore further..like anchor point…where i heard dere’s a restaurant that has disney pizza..jus go dere c c oso nice..go dere eat alone quite wierd..tue shd be my rackhee day..see got wad can explore abit..

it’s friday nite..i don feel like going home again..and i went for a long long walk..alone again..jus keep on walking walking…after so many yrs..i’m stil alone in times of need…still alone out at late nite..

"do u noe..where u’re going to.."i dono where i’m going to..but jus walk..until until quite late..dey scold…reach home quite late…details i don say le..it’s always the same old things..but i jus noe tt..i’m alone..

guess i’ll jus moan and moan for the whole day..no..for the whole month..no..i think..until 08 and 09 is over den i don feel so painful..think i need to cry at least once everyday over it..sigh..

actually..on that morning oredi wanted to buy the fir tix and ready to go le..i ask sis can or not..den sis say got temple things..got duty..gotta wait and see have duty or not..k lo..den i wait..wait until noe liao..only left $100+ tix left..sigh..actually i’m oredi prepared to fork out the money liao le..but..tink and tink..shdn’t waste so much money on myself jus to watch it..but end up that day i oso don have any duty..even if there is..i gotta say no cos morning 2 hrs i have lessons stil in sch..and usually i gotta be in temple for whole day if there’s duty..

and den..for ndp..sigh..sad..din even get to go for those small review..can’t even get to see the fireworks..cos on that day i got duty..don need to say anymore..sigh..if not..maybe can go somewhere watch fireworks or wad..sigh..the thing might jus drag til 7..

feel so sad everytime i mentioned about it..10 more days to be sad..pain pain..go away..don ever…come back again..

if july is a busy month..den i think sugust shd be a sad month..cos nth to look forward to..national day holiday? no where to go..no fir..no ndp..nothing..wad i can do? mark lo..set paper lo..

to think i will cry over fir concert..ha..mayb cos dere’s really nth to look forward to in august ba..even national day parade..i will go almost every year..this year..nth..no preview..nth..really nth to look forward to anymore..

i’ll jus gotta wait til those days are over..080808..090808..den i’ll have nth to sad over with anymore..

Jus realise that I have another blog..blogspot..haha..wanted to change blog long long time..can change le..hee..but won be writing the add of my blogspot blog here..don wan so many ppl to jus click on it and read it..more for my close frenz who wana noe more bout me..dono if I’ll cont to blog here..but I think it’s really time to have a change..since I’ve been blogging here for so many years since 18..

I saw a blog recommended by my fren..a sad story..a couple whom love each other very much..but in the end boyfriend died during training in

Brunei

..

http://memyselfmine.blogspot.com/

these days really busy..i don like the idea of going to take the concery band out for performane and miss 2 days of my lesson..my precious time with them..if i’m there i’m able to give them the guidance that they need..thou they’ll sllocate me a chinese relief teacher..but i noe wad my class need best..sigh..too bad..

these days like sick sick like tat..i hope it’s not bcos i din eat lunch most of the time..

today went out with last time trainees..shockingly 8 ppl are able to make it..haha..so good..and we took some photos..all the memories came back..happy..or stressed..it’s a wonderful memory..not like now..everyone feels like wana find ppl to pei them eat lunch or sth oso don hcae..all so busy..sigh..

i’m getting more and more sick..and trying to eat all sorts of medicine to press it down..really no time to see doctor..sigh..wad to do..

early in the morning..oredi feel very tired..i noe today’s nt my day..went to gym for lesson..but the kovan outlet too small..no gym equipment..and stil need to book for the lsson..which i din..but manage to get in..

i tink the sore throat sweet really too strong for me..until it somehow hurts my stomach and spoils my appetite..these days i keep popping different pills to press down my flu..mayb is too heaty..i can’t even sleep well..and always wake up very early and sleep very little..

morning..mama bugged me again y i broke up wif such a good bf..but den..no feeling means no feeling le..tell her oso no use..maybe she keep bugging us to look for good ones..so matter i like tt person or not…as long as good..den ok lo..mama like..but i jus find wad mama likes doesn’t suit me at all..i jus wana..hav my own choice aft so many yrs of listening to her..thou she doesn’t scold me or anything..but she jus keep bugging me..and my sis too..so busy with practicum..don even hav chance to talk..much less to say talk to her over anything..

no appetite..feeling very down..cos i think these days really ate too much strong medicine and hurts my weak stomach..and i ate lesser and lesser..

it’s raining..which makes me feel more sad..

went to school aft that and tried to do some things..but in the end wasted lotsa time with the computer system..everything jus screw up..cannot receive all the email..system cannot log in…and jus thinking of having a very busy week nex week..jus makes me feel very down..mon nite..go temple..(gone)…tue nite..eat dinner with trainees…(gone)..we and thu..bring band out for performance until very late..and gotta skip my own lesson jus to bring them out..(gone)..i feel so sucky now..the 2 days..i prepared lotsa worksheet for them to do..fri sure very jialat..plus spelling leh..sat morning..got rsp thingy…sun..got temple meeting..when do i have the time to go and mark or prepare things for my kids..

i have my sense of satisfaction from work..and this kind of feeling i can nvr ever get from anywhere..but den..if unable to do well..i’ll feel very sad..

i feel so lonely in the afternoon session..ppl always like keep forgeting me..greet others nvr greet me..eat will eat tgt w/o me..left me behind for decoration in the empty hall while they all went off..nvm lo..i jus do my own things..luckily there are 2 male flexi teachers more cheerful de will chat and chat and drag me into their conversation..i stil more freiend friend with guys den gals..den the male teacher sitting beside me finds me that my character more boyish..jus tt he put it in a nicer way to say..haha..i am who i am lo..boyish den boyish la..got character..who cares..

as usual..parents quarrel..jus over this evening dinner..wad no money buy $3 packet food la..mum angry den cook her own food eat..den dad buy liao see mum oredi cook angry la..den i kana shoot by dad for not telling him properly over the phone whether wana buy or not..oh man..small issue..when he’s telling me off i don even feel like saying a word..i’m jus too tired to go and say anything back..i noe it’s wrong..i shd have explain tt it’s mum who told me and not my fault..but suan le..their quarrel..i’m really too tired to wana say anything to it..i kana shoot den shoot lo..not the 1st time anyway..

i jus hope that i can finish marking my own things by today..peacefully too..if nt sis come back again..grumble bout her own sch things..den jialat..but don tink she will la.too busy to grumble to me..see her so stress..so once in a while will go disturb her abit..jus ask ask hw she doing at least make her feel better..nt easy to be teacher for her..a perfectionist..every nite sleep very late..mark books mark very precise but slow..sigh..see her like tt oso very jialat..

i really cannot fall sick..i’ll use all ways to press it down..i cannot afford to be sick..nex week busy week..teacher can die..but cannot sick de..sick le more things pile up more jialat..tt day one day convo oredi screw up everything and side effect took me 1 or 2 weeks to pick up my own momentum..nex week..TWO DAYS! i tink i’m gonna die..BUT! no problem..i’m who? boyish xue lao shi leh..nth will happen to me de..^_^

i’m the owner of annex block..cos the whole block..i’m the only one around..in the staffroom…alone..hee..singing my song.listen to music..watch drama..while figuring out wad to do for nex weekand mark books..sounds pathetic..ha..

early in the morning..i woke up by mum doing housework "noisily"..i think these days really neglected her..sis oso neglected her too..sigh..actually i felt quite sorry la..cos me and sis now aft we became teachers..we spent less time at home..

and me..this week really packed with meetings..actually i oso need to go out with frenz..destress abit..ya la..sometimes she’s abit over in nagging until i really cannot take it..thou i noe i shdn’t say anythin even if she nag or scold de..but really bo bian ma..for this case..i like my dad more..cos he nag less..sometimes abit here and dere only..hee..actually hor..nag so much oso no use de ma..nvr listen means nvr listen lo..

sigh..gotta wake up early to go and mark books on a sat morning..sian sian sianz…

it was such a tiring say today..no..shd be a tiring week..

this week..i’ll always be going home late…i won ever rech home before 9pm..plus there are 10 piles of things for me to mark..i jus go for one day of comvo only ma..y suddenly aft i absent for a day den so many things to do..

sigh..really cannot take it..6 period straight again..and when i wanted to eat sth..den ppl call me go for this meeting that meeting..den eat up my period jus for taking of temperature..when i finally have time to sit down again..need to call 2 parents up to inform them sth..was so nervous..dono wad i shd say and stuff like tat..

fianlly when i have 2 free periods at the end..being called up again fo sth..i promise my students to return them the spelling books and compo..in the end i din manage to do it..i thot i can..but..sigh..

my hp really cannot use le la..keep hanging..auto shut off..tt’s y today no mattter how tired..die die must go and buy the new phone..thi week really very busy…if don go today..there’s no other day i can go..mon to wed..gone..fri..got dinner with my long time no see fren from australia..morning got some workshop going on..sat going back school to mark..den to old folks home..sun need to bring the band out to perform or sth..from 7am til noon..den long time nvr go guitar le ma..feel like gg..if time permits..den afternoon go home mark compo again lo..i din even go for my gym..

i’m one step towards my dream..but why do i feel so hollow inside..tt’s wad the teenager on tv said..

while i was queuing up for my turn at m1..i felt so hungry..tired..lonely..y r ppl going to the shop in couples..or in one big grp of families? i feel that i’m beginning to be like my sis.everytime go anywhere always alone alone alone..do everything oso alone..don care wad’s going on around..even if alone can stil go and do..go shopping alone..buy things alone..

this is the first time i’m buying a phone..by myself…alone…

i noe there will be many times where i will do lotsa things alone..as ppl grow up..frenz and ppl ard u will get more busy..and u have to get used to this kind of loneliness..a blur me getting a new hp..gotta learn lo..it’s nt tt i dono hw to..but i need ppl’s encouragement to go and do it..or maybe i shd say..when there are ppl around..i tend to rely on them ba..don really wan to show my true potential of hw well i can do..ya..a loner can do more things..cos more time for myself..but jus feel hollow sometimes..

have to get use to it..jus get use to it and i’ll be fine..i’ll be okay..

my backup energy is failing me..

tired…hungry..lonely..when can all this stop..